Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, Fourth Edition
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Tuesday, March 10, 2015
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Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Divorce as a New Year's Resolution?!
Ask Dr. Mike: What do you do when spouse wants to delay divorce for the children.
by Dr. Michael Oberschneider
Dr. Mike,
When is the right time to get a divorce when you have children? My husband and I have been unhappy together for years, and while both of us agree that our marriage is over, he thinks that it’s best to stay married until the children go off to college. He thinks that we shouldn’t “rob our children of a stable childhood just because we screwed up” and he is adamant that we stay together for several more years. Our children are 12 and 16. I cannot do yet another cold and loveless holiday season for the children or myself. Thank you!
A Concerned Parent
-----
Concerned Parent,
Research and statistics on divorce has shown that January is the most popular month of the year for people to file for divorce -- especially for married couples with children. Perhaps this is because married couple do not want to deprive their children of a happy holiday season. Or perhaps higher rates of divorce occur in January because of year-end reflections and resolutions. While many vow to quit smoking or to exercise more at the start of the year, maybe shedding the emotional weight of your unwanted husband and marriage is a New Year’s Resolution to make for yourself.
But knowing when exactly to end a marriage is a very personal decision to make. In your marriage the right time for your husband is after the children depart the home for college, and for you it is now.
While your husband’s approach is arguably admirable -- the idea of sacrificing his own happiness for the wellbeing of his children -- it is also a dangerous approach for a few important reasons. First, if you are both truly unhappy and the marriage is over, your children at 12 and 16 are likely aware of this, and it is only a matter of time until they become negatively impacted by it. You write that you experienced “yet another cold and loveless holiday season,” and the concern then would be that your children observed or experienced the same thing for themselves. Second, as parents we are teachers and our children learn from what we model. If your children are being raised in a home where “cold and loveless” is normal, than they are vulnerable to experience and repeat that for themselves in later relationships.
And third, you are only human, and if you remain unhappy long enough, larger problems could occur for you and/or your husband -- a higher rate of stress/anxiety, depression or acting-out behaviors (e.g., excessive drinking or infidelity).
Domestic abuse, child abuse, infidelity, financial problems, personality disorders or mental illness, alcoholism or drug abuse, and blended family struggles are several of the main reasons for why marriages end. Sometimes the reasons for falling out of love are less clear; a once happy and healthy marriage can become challenged by having or raising children or by the changes that come with age and time. The factors contributing to your unhappiness are not clear to me based on what you have written -- and the factors may or may not even be entirely clear to your husband or you as well.
I recommend that you and your husband meet with a well-trained and experienced mental health professional in your area of need. A good couple’s therapist should be able to help your husband and you to get on the same page and to provide you both with the roadmap you need to negotiate things moving forward.
I would encourage both you and your husband to have an open mind should you choose to meet with a therapist. Struggling couples can sometimes declare that their marriage is over and that they need a therapist’s guidance to end it correctly for themselves and their children. However, with great effort, changes, and time, sometimes these sorts of couples end up addressing their problems and recreating a happy and healthy life together. In contrast, other married couples sometimes seek therapy with the strong hope that the therapist and therapy process will help them to save their marriage. However, even with great effort, sometimes the changes are slow to come or not meaningful enough and sometimes divorce then ends up being the best outcome for these sorts of couples.
In the end, the decision to divorce (or to not divorce) is a very important one; the impact it will have on your husband and you and your children will be life long, so you want to do everything you can to get it right -- before, during and after. Therapy should give you the insight and self-awareness and the tools to make the best decision for you and your family -- the end goal being one happy home for all involved or two happy homes for all involved.
Source: http://patch.com/virginia/ashburn/divorce-new-years-resolution-0?
Dr. Mike,
When is the right time to get a divorce when you have children? My husband and I have been unhappy together for years, and while both of us agree that our marriage is over, he thinks that it’s best to stay married until the children go off to college. He thinks that we shouldn’t “rob our children of a stable childhood just because we screwed up” and he is adamant that we stay together for several more years. Our children are 12 and 16. I cannot do yet another cold and loveless holiday season for the children or myself. Thank you!
A Concerned Parent
-----
Concerned Parent,
Research and statistics on divorce has shown that January is the most popular month of the year for people to file for divorce -- especially for married couples with children. Perhaps this is because married couple do not want to deprive their children of a happy holiday season. Or perhaps higher rates of divorce occur in January because of year-end reflections and resolutions. While many vow to quit smoking or to exercise more at the start of the year, maybe shedding the emotional weight of your unwanted husband and marriage is a New Year’s Resolution to make for yourself.
But knowing when exactly to end a marriage is a very personal decision to make. In your marriage the right time for your husband is after the children depart the home for college, and for you it is now.
While your husband’s approach is arguably admirable -- the idea of sacrificing his own happiness for the wellbeing of his children -- it is also a dangerous approach for a few important reasons. First, if you are both truly unhappy and the marriage is over, your children at 12 and 16 are likely aware of this, and it is only a matter of time until they become negatively impacted by it. You write that you experienced “yet another cold and loveless holiday season,” and the concern then would be that your children observed or experienced the same thing for themselves. Second, as parents we are teachers and our children learn from what we model. If your children are being raised in a home where “cold and loveless” is normal, than they are vulnerable to experience and repeat that for themselves in later relationships.
And third, you are only human, and if you remain unhappy long enough, larger problems could occur for you and/or your husband -- a higher rate of stress/anxiety, depression or acting-out behaviors (e.g., excessive drinking or infidelity).
Domestic abuse, child abuse, infidelity, financial problems, personality disorders or mental illness, alcoholism or drug abuse, and blended family struggles are several of the main reasons for why marriages end. Sometimes the reasons for falling out of love are less clear; a once happy and healthy marriage can become challenged by having or raising children or by the changes that come with age and time. The factors contributing to your unhappiness are not clear to me based on what you have written -- and the factors may or may not even be entirely clear to your husband or you as well.
I recommend that you and your husband meet with a well-trained and experienced mental health professional in your area of need. A good couple’s therapist should be able to help your husband and you to get on the same page and to provide you both with the roadmap you need to negotiate things moving forward.
I would encourage both you and your husband to have an open mind should you choose to meet with a therapist. Struggling couples can sometimes declare that their marriage is over and that they need a therapist’s guidance to end it correctly for themselves and their children. However, with great effort, changes, and time, sometimes these sorts of couples end up addressing their problems and recreating a happy and healthy life together. In contrast, other married couples sometimes seek therapy with the strong hope that the therapist and therapy process will help them to save their marriage. However, even with great effort, sometimes the changes are slow to come or not meaningful enough and sometimes divorce then ends up being the best outcome for these sorts of couples.
In the end, the decision to divorce (or to not divorce) is a very important one; the impact it will have on your husband and you and your children will be life long, so you want to do everything you can to get it right -- before, during and after. Therapy should give you the insight and self-awareness and the tools to make the best decision for you and your family -- the end goal being one happy home for all involved or two happy homes for all involved.
Source: http://patch.com/virginia/ashburn/divorce-new-years-resolution-0?
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
3 Tips To Find A Good Couples Therapist
When it comes to couples therapy,
the earlier you go, the better. “Prevention is better than cure. The
best time to see a therapist is when the relationship patterns are still
fresh and couple dynamics are not written in stone,” said Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Arlington Heights, Ill.
Clinical psychologist Meredith Hansen,
Psy.D, also stressed the importance of “early intervention or
preventative care. Couples who check in every so often with a therapist
and work to strengthen their relationship tend to have the most
success.”
For instance, it’s helpful to see a therapist before you get married, according to both relationship experts. “This is the easiest time to make healthy changes,” Rastogi said.
Any transition, in addition to tying the knot, has the potential for conflict, said Hansen, who has a private practice for couples in Newport, Calif. That includes having kids and an illness in the family.
Yet, most couples wait until they’re distressed or one partner wants out of the relationship, Hansen said. Naturally, this makes it harder to create positive change. (But it’s not impossible.)
Whatever place you’re in as a couple, finding a skilled specialist is key. Below, Rastogi and Hansen shared their tips for finding a reputable expert.
1. Ask for referrals.
For instance, you can ask your primary care physician, pediatrician or OBGYN to recommend several couples therapists, Hansen said. Online therapist finders are another option. “Rastogi recommended searching on this website for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
2. Interview potential candidates.
“Almost all therapists say that they work with couples,” Rastogi said. But that doesn’t mean they’re qualified to do so. That’s why it’s important to ask about the focus of their practice, Hansen said.
What should you expect to hear? “You will want to find a clinician who has sought out training and education specifically related to interpersonal relationships and couples dynamics.” This could be a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), a psychologist (Ph.D or Psy.D) or a social worker (MSW or LCSW).
Again, the goal is to find someone who’s “focused their education, training, and practice on relationship dynamics,” and “continues to educate themselves and train in the latest couples therapy theories and interventions,” Hansen said.
Rastogi suggested asking these questions: How often does the therapist work with the issues you’re struggling with as a couple? What percentage of their work is with couples (versus individuals)? (“A safe bet is 30 percent or more,” she said.) Will they accept your insurance? (“If not, you should figure out up front what your weekly out-of-pocket costs will be.”)
3. Shop around.
“It is totally acceptable to meet with a few providers before choosing one that feels best for you and your partner,” Hansen said.
How can you tell if a practitioner is best for you? “Pay attention to your own feelings of connection with the therapist,” Rastogi said. It’s important for both partners to feel understood and validated, she said. It’s also important for both partners to trust their therapist, Hansen said.
If either of you feels uncomfortable – you think your therapist is “taking sides, encourages one of you to leave the other, meets more often with one of you alone, allows for secrets” – voice your concerns.
Remember that therapy is a process, Hansen said. And sometimes either of you (or both) will be dissatisfied with it. Again, speak up, and address your concerns.
Also, keep in mind that your problems won’t be fixed in the first few sessions, Rastogi said. But in two to four sessions, “you should have somewhat of a better understanding of your own and your partner’s issues.”
Source: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/25/3-tips-to-find-a-good-couples-therapist/
Visit also: https://sites.google.com/site/coupletherapyinparis/
For instance, it’s helpful to see a therapist before you get married, according to both relationship experts. “This is the easiest time to make healthy changes,” Rastogi said.
Any transition, in addition to tying the knot, has the potential for conflict, said Hansen, who has a private practice for couples in Newport, Calif. That includes having kids and an illness in the family.
Yet, most couples wait until they’re distressed or one partner wants out of the relationship, Hansen said. Naturally, this makes it harder to create positive change. (But it’s not impossible.)
Whatever place you’re in as a couple, finding a skilled specialist is key. Below, Rastogi and Hansen shared their tips for finding a reputable expert.
1. Ask for referrals.
For instance, you can ask your primary care physician, pediatrician or OBGYN to recommend several couples therapists, Hansen said. Online therapist finders are another option. “Rastogi recommended searching on this website for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
2. Interview potential candidates.
“Almost all therapists say that they work with couples,” Rastogi said. But that doesn’t mean they’re qualified to do so. That’s why it’s important to ask about the focus of their practice, Hansen said.
What should you expect to hear? “You will want to find a clinician who has sought out training and education specifically related to interpersonal relationships and couples dynamics.” This could be a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), a psychologist (Ph.D or Psy.D) or a social worker (MSW or LCSW).
Again, the goal is to find someone who’s “focused their education, training, and practice on relationship dynamics,” and “continues to educate themselves and train in the latest couples therapy theories and interventions,” Hansen said.
Rastogi suggested asking these questions: How often does the therapist work with the issues you’re struggling with as a couple? What percentage of their work is with couples (versus individuals)? (“A safe bet is 30 percent or more,” she said.) Will they accept your insurance? (“If not, you should figure out up front what your weekly out-of-pocket costs will be.”)
3. Shop around.
“It is totally acceptable to meet with a few providers before choosing one that feels best for you and your partner,” Hansen said.
How can you tell if a practitioner is best for you? “Pay attention to your own feelings of connection with the therapist,” Rastogi said. It’s important for both partners to feel understood and validated, she said. It’s also important for both partners to trust their therapist, Hansen said.
If either of you feels uncomfortable – you think your therapist is “taking sides, encourages one of you to leave the other, meets more often with one of you alone, allows for secrets” – voice your concerns.
Remember that therapy is a process, Hansen said. And sometimes either of you (or both) will be dissatisfied with it. Again, speak up, and address your concerns.
Also, keep in mind that your problems won’t be fixed in the first few sessions, Rastogi said. But in two to four sessions, “you should have somewhat of a better understanding of your own and your partner’s issues.”
Source: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/25/3-tips-to-find-a-good-couples-therapist/
Visit also: https://sites.google.com/site/coupletherapyinparis/
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